100

i can't quite remember when I last posted a message,
but this is the hundreth one.
what to say then...?
that i never did expect write so much ?
this diary that i've held, that's helped me express myself to myself
it's helped me think to myself, helped me figure some things out about myself,
it's helped me drag out the venom that sometimes flows in me,
this diary in which i find refuge because it is MY home
it is MY heart that is unravelled before you
it is MY truth
mine
mine to cherish
to adore
so selfishly mine

and so now, over the past months i realise that i must suffer from a light form Don Juanism
def: a need to seduce

i realise that it's something i cannot avoid.
it's not a macho state
it's most certainly not misogynistic

perhaps from the lack of motherly love
a belated compensation

it's a need
can't help it
just happens

starts with nothing.
a breach in a silence
a smile
a look
a word
hardly an openning
i will take it
like a challenge
no fear

a predetor
spying on it's victim

i've been all the way once
i can do it again

it hurts to go so far
it hurts to suffer
bleeding hearts
cold tears
words with no meaning
spoken wishes that just disolve in thin air
pain, heartache that lingers for so long
regrets
more pain

my imagination seems to drag me so far into the perception that i imagine she could have of me
i thrive from it

confidence

i may have none
i may need more
i surely give a lot away

i still feel the pain
the fear
the solitude

the films that flick through my mind
the ones that seem to come true
those that stay burried deep in my mind that i desperately try to make real
those that i wish i could have rewritten

i have found you
what i want i get
the challenge
it's written

how far will i go