Gus the man

Gustave Flaubert said :" Be regular and ordinary in your life, like a bourgeois, so that you may be violent and original in your work"
I've only read one of his books - perhaps was i too young to understand the emotional complexity, or is it just a male thing - Madame Bovary, and if his words are anything to go by, he must have had ONE shit life.

Mine is no better
true
but like many, i find refuge in work.
work has become my life for the larger part of it.

definately not better.

but i find it fun for the moment.
it's been a long time since i've been so absorbed by work.
it's a good feeling.
gets me up
gets me going
gets me excited
gets my mind going

doesn't get me laid though

i wonder what Flauberts sex life was...

better than mine ?
by the sounds of it,
not really

that's reasuring somewhere...

prickly stuff

got scratched by a thorn today
didn't draw much blood
but as it is so common with these little incidents,
the scar will remain longer on my side than the incident in my mind
and thus will help me remember the acuteness of the sting

prayer

being the 101th post,
this could have been a funny one
this could have been a parody of Disney... had i had the talent

but no

This goes out to Claire

Hold on in there
you musn't let go
life is grand
your children are grand
what you have built is grand
what lies before you is grand

all these hands reaching out to catch you
to hold you

can't you see them ?

take any one of them
mine
his
hers
all of them
as many of them as you can

we won't let go of you
we won't

i won't

100

i can't quite remember when I last posted a message,
but this is the hundreth one.
what to say then...?
that i never did expect write so much ?
this diary that i've held, that's helped me express myself to myself
it's helped me think to myself, helped me figure some things out about myself,
it's helped me drag out the venom that sometimes flows in me,
this diary in which i find refuge because it is MY home
it is MY heart that is unravelled before you
it is MY truth
mine
mine to cherish
to adore
so selfishly mine

and so now, over the past months i realise that i must suffer from a light form Don Juanism
def: a need to seduce

i realise that it's something i cannot avoid.
it's not a macho state
it's most certainly not misogynistic

perhaps from the lack of motherly love
a belated compensation

it's a need
can't help it
just happens

starts with nothing.
a breach in a silence
a smile
a look
a word
hardly an openning
i will take it
like a challenge
no fear

a predetor
spying on it's victim

i've been all the way once
i can do it again

it hurts to go so far
it hurts to suffer
bleeding hearts
cold tears
words with no meaning
spoken wishes that just disolve in thin air
pain, heartache that lingers for so long
regrets
more pain

my imagination seems to drag me so far into the perception that i imagine she could have of me
i thrive from it

confidence

i may have none
i may need more
i surely give a lot away

i still feel the pain
the fear
the solitude

the films that flick through my mind
the ones that seem to come true
those that stay burried deep in my mind that i desperately try to make real
those that i wish i could have rewritten

i have found you
what i want i get
the challenge
it's written

how far will i go