happy birthday 1

one year old already
and i look back to all that has happened

1. feelings

all those feelings
all the love
desperate love
all the sadness
and all the happiness
the extreme happiness
the addiction heroin[e]
the addiction
the fears of the secret garden brought to light
the dark comfort of the secret garden
the dreams
non of which have come true
those dreams that have fed my hope
the tears that never came
every morning
those that did
the silly things
silly things,
very silly
the bad things
yes,
bad bad things
childish things [i'm sorry for having been an arsehole at 4.am]
the funny things
the happy things
the most incredible things
runaways
running back
the confusion
the crossroads and crossings

all the more wiser
all the more thoughtful
all the more on the lookout for a wall of attraction to avoid crashing into
all the more happy
all the more apreciative of what life gives me
all the more willing to fill in the empty spaces in life

what i have learnt
i must use

time

no time to write
no time to think
no time to meditate
no time to listen
no time to explain
no time to play
no time to read
no time to give
no time to take
no time to share
to share
no time to taste
no time to reason
no time to fly
no time to love
no time to look
no time for heart
look into my heart
no time to feel
no time to slow down
no time to count
no time to find a balance
no time to mix
either black or white
no time for sense
no time to live
no time to waste
what a waste
no time to walk
no time to hum
no time to smell
no time to close your eyes
no time to guess where you are

time is what i've got
time is what i miss
time is what i need
time i can't stop
time i should stop

stop

automnal blues

work
pressure
insomnia
pressure
work
penurious
pressure
cold
damp
night
pressure
work
work

california dreamin'

walkies

more
midnight
meanderings

hope

a crystal path
leading
to a clearing
that you can never reach
all quiet
you can see it
you get closer
you can't touch

but further back
you can see me
me,
in the clearing
me,
in the light

but can i give you hope?

just to relax

I don't care what people say,
but after a
long day
that caps off
a longer week
ther's nothing more
relaxing
than a cruise
across Paris
in the middle of the night

I don't care what people say,
but Paris
IS
the most
beautiful
city
in the world

little chiefs

In February, my addiction lost her job.
I fought hard, lobbied hard, argued hard, for her to keep it, but those who could have influenced a sway in the decision making didn't bother as they held on to their little bit of power. Little chiefs of their own twirly world, they evidently thought that she would gobble them up and that they would end up on the banks of the river Dole.

And now, 8 months later, these same little chiefs have been pushed off their little pedestals into the river.

Little chiefs never win.