happy birthday 1

one year old already
and i look back to all that has happened

1. feelings

all those feelings
all the love
desperate love
all the sadness
and all the happiness
the extreme happiness
the addiction heroin[e]
the addiction
the fears of the secret garden brought to light
the dark comfort of the secret garden
the dreams
non of which have come true
those dreams that have fed my hope
the tears that never came
every morning
those that did
the silly things
silly things,
very silly
the bad things
yes,
bad bad things
childish things [i'm sorry for having been an arsehole at 4.am]
the funny things
the happy things
the most incredible things
runaways
running back
the confusion
the crossroads and crossings

all the more wiser
all the more thoughtful
all the more on the lookout for a wall of attraction to avoid crashing into
all the more happy
all the more apreciative of what life gives me
all the more willing to fill in the empty spaces in life

what i have learnt
i must use