freds mess

Friday

2012-02-10T22:34:00.004+01:00

This incredible feeling of sadness has possessed me.

It's quite overwhelming.

like a giant lilly pad gently folding around me and engulfing me, suffocating me slowly.

I'm not sure that i really understand where it's all coming from.

The bordem of day to day life?

The new team i have to face? This new task this new challenge?

The bordem of the work that is to come?

The lack of money?

The pressure of being the perfect family slave?

Or just the cold?

or me ?

i feel fat and ugly and cumbersome

i'm surrounded by people who make me want to sink

i do not want to please them

i no longer want to seduce them let alone encourage a smile out of their faces

my entourage has made me what i feel

What would i like

What would i love

My fantasy...

Only a fantasy would be at the height of this sadness

a flight into the sunset with a cool glass of chardonnay in my hand

a cool sound drifting through my earphones

a slight glimpse of her breast's silhouette through her light blouse against the sunlit hub

a mad sexual affair

spice

electricity

a spark

a little madness like i haven't had in the past few years...

and another one goes by

2012-01-06T09:42:00.004+01:00

so here we are once more.
the beginning of a new year.
the trail of feel better resolutions.
the hope that the new will be better than the old and instantly wash away everything that was bad about the past year.
the first step beyond the threshold of a 365 day adventure.
sure.

nothing changes
it's still monday, followed by tuesday and wednesday and so on and so on.
but many counters are reset on the 1st of jan.
i have many, but take no notice.
i feel that over the past year i have been pulling life behind me as opposed to being bullied by life. it doesn't mean that i actually control anything, it just means that i feel the weight of everything surrounding me.

for this year, as i reset the counters, i would really wish that the weight dragging me would make itself a little more discreet

peace

Defining week

2011-12-11T19:26:00.001+01:00

Defining week indeed
So damn skint
Can't believe i'm so short of money.
I must admit that cash does bring me access to pleasure... And now to inmense worries. A visit to the bank tomorrow may not be enough. My worst fear is that they won't allow me another loan. Shit.
Plus all the work load.
I'm tired.
I either pull it off this week and things get damn better, or the ship sinks...
To be continued, no doubt same time tomorrow.
Wish me luck.

Mmmmm

2011-07-29T00:41:00.001+02:00

Mmmm... Not sure how to illustrate this... Best not to then.
Diner with beautiful Chloe and Max... I'm sure his two/three/4 timing her.
Sure...
Too much rosé (two bottles yet again)
Bed
Sleep
We'll see tomorrow…

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Paris

2011-07-20T23:58:00.001+02:00

Walking home
The mix of smells
The dope
The wine
The pussy
The cheap perfume

Rain
The hazy street lights

And somehow Journey sounds just about perfect

Alive

2011-07-07T08:45:00.001+02:00

The storm has past
Life may bloom once again
Breathe
Breathe again
Breathe...

Make or break today

2011-07-04T08:24:00.001+02:00

The dark cold wall awaits my crash.
Since Februrary, i think that there have only been 2 week end during which i haven't worked. This insane.
Overworked, stressed just about kept under control only because i avoid the clash and those who know me better let me glide by. But the bubble can burst at any time.
Underpaid. I mean for fuck's sake my credit card was blocked the other day. It's not as though i have parralel lives sucking on my account.
Money offers me freedom.
I have neither at the moment.
Undersexed...
And not even an erotic sidekick to get me going.
The future, at the moment looks like a solid brick wall that will not let me pass through.
Condecending G paints a daily picture if worst case senarios and does nothing about it... Note to me: tell him to shut it.
This life is all bollocks at the moment.
Up to me to make is all pink again.

Dread

2011-06-29T08:17:00.001+02:00

I'm dreading today
Tomorrow too and the day after... And after that too
6 months of strain
6 months of airtight contained stress
6 months of professional slavery
6 months of 27/7
6 months of moving mountains
6 months of wanting to cry every fucking morning
6 months of trying to fly higher and higher without even looking down
Today is make or break
Succeed or fail
4 days to finish vu du rail
I'm trying to find anything reassuring to hold on to, but there's nothing
Free falling
I'll know tonight how big the crash will be...
To be continued

Pressure

2011-06-20T20:10:00.001+02:00

Smoked a stick the other day whilst waiting for the Mac to sleep. The office was quiet. Just the hum of Satie.
It felt good.
I needed it.
It can become customary
And will - for the time being - be the custodian of my sanity the regenerator of calmness, the one who nonchalantly forces that bully called life, momentarily back into it's dark corner.

Hope

2011-03-19T14:46:00.001+01:00

In a week when a tsunami effortlessly brushed a wedge of civilization aside, when the threat of a global radioactive contamination held the world's breath, when at the hight of his so called glory, Khadaffi cowers to UN orders, when 47 yemenite protesters were shot, when Barhein asked the Saudis for miltary aid to quash demonstrators, when the Ivory Coast seems to drown in a maelstrom of blood, when the level of stress and acrimony at work has reached stratospheric heights, the first leaved have graced me with their arrival and given me hope and a smile.

i can feel it

2011-03-18T09:00:00.002+01:00

i can feel the weight of stress
not usually stressed
i sure am now
the worst thing about it , is that it comes from work
work that should come second to everything, and yet makes its way up first
heading the pack of life's priorities
when flying off in a big jet plane should

the real world ain't real

the look

2011-03-10T23:11:00.002+01:00

As she stooped up

she raised her head

her dark slate eyes looked straight into mine

that cheeky smile

her hair naturally fell over part of her face

i could see her look though her strands

looking deep into me

her parted lips

smiling

we could have been naked

she could have been riding me

her hips tangled onto mine

the way she looked so simply satisfied and happy

made me shiver

it was so real

movement

2011-03-03T10:46:00.001+01:00

you see, if i keep moving
i won't fall a sleep
if i keep moving and doing things
i won't think about the rest
all this movement
all these little things
avoid the crash

one of thoses days

2011-02-08T15:47:00.001+01:00

there are days
just like today
when i just feel
like
crying
my bloodshot eyes
hold my tears
but must give away this heavy sadness within
i just don't know why

dream

2011-01-31T09:50:00.003+01:00

had a dream last night
hotel room
high up in the sky
city lights were sparkling
big windows
a gentle hum
she was here
i don't know who
she was beautiful
i was in awe
i know that for sure
i know that feeling to well to never forget it
i was holding her close
our fingers tigntened
we kissed for the first time
then out on the balcony it was day
the TV was on
outside ther was a market
small town
south american
back inside it was night again
i held her tight
i felt her hair
felt her lips
and she let go
Veronique B passed by smiled in disbelief and winked
this guy came up to me and asked what the hell i was doing
i replied that i was in love

Thursday

2010-12-30T23:13:00.001+01:00

Tomorrow is new year's eve
I really despise this time of year
Overdose of familly, in laws and goodwill.
Work beakons on monday and i know that it harbours peace.
But not enough.
It's all too much for me at the moment.
Much too much weight for my shoulders.
I could break down and cry
Let go of everything
Leave and run away.
But my lethargy and cowardice (how i hate that word) will take me through the ride.
I trust my conservatism will keep my cool and ignore the anoyances arpund me... And now, at this moment there are so many buzzing around.

visions

2010-12-06T23:49:00.002+01:00

what i see seems blured

i feel blinded by a sharp light

a hole in my vision

what i see feels different

it feels subdued

not right

not sharp

a reflection of what is real

of what should be

of my state of mind ?

One AM

2010-11-21T01:15:00.002+01:00

There's nothing sexier than drinking from her glass

Victory

2010-10-15T19:44:00.001+02:00

I like me
I like this moment
I like the loud music playing through my head phones
I like the past month
I like the effort put into surviving it
I like it being friday
I like it raining
I like the longer lasting nights
I like the city lights
I like the headlights racing by
I like the rough ride before me
I like my state of fatigue
I like watching others type on their phones like me
I like to wonder if anybody is as deep as me
I like to write it down
I like to feel i'm still growing
I like to please
I like to feel i've won in all categories
I like to feel the moment
Right here
Right
Now

a saffron monday

2010-10-11T14:42:00.002+02:00

above us the sea rolled and crashed
we huddled together and dreamt of the days we could see the sky
we looked back when we ruled our lives
when we walked the plains
when we could see the sunset under the capricorn
now we stalk the ocean bed and watch the saffron waves roll above our heads
and wait for time to stop

The urge

2010-09-20T08:56:00.002+02:00

8.43 am
and i have the incredible urge to smoke

summer of love

2010-09-08T16:58:00.004+02:00

Overwhelmed
infatuated
emotionally overpowered
enchanted
charmed
under the spell
enamoured
captivated...

Oh beautiful Burma
how i miss you

me

2010-08-03T16:27:00.003+02:00

me at night
me last night
me with my headphones
me listening to Losing My Religion
me feeling good
me feeling drunk
me threading words together
me making no sense
me watching the cars race by
me dreaming of long summer nights on Shag Island
me humming
and the cars raced by

no regrets

2010-05-10T16:21:00.000+02:00

Buddhist nun Thich Nu Thanh Quang burns to death in an act of suicide protest against the government's Catholic regime at the Dieu de Pagoda in Hue, South Vietnam, May 29, 1966. (AP Photo)

what was he thinking when he struck the match ?

two a m

2010-05-01T02:13:00.004+02:00

risotto is an act of love

slow caress

gentle swaying

not to fast

rythm

preparing it is love making

preparing it with a woman who fires sex in her look

is vertiginous

fuck she must be good

Here it is

2010-03-22T15:39:00.003+01:00

and with the sun
with the warmth
and the first leaves
Spring has come
with it's hope
and breath of Life

3.37

2010-03-21T03:32:00.003+01:00

3.37 am
Answer is gently breaking the silence.
Outside the city murmurs
Gently
The Answer i have not found
But tonight i have found peace
Me
Myself
The night

Here it comes

2010-03-16T08:58:00.002+01:00

Long grey winter has left
The sun brings warmth
Light
Hope
Life
That we wanted
That we missed

At long last
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

where is the sun ?

2010-02-03T16:17:00.004+01:00

for some reason the sun has packed his bag and buggered off somewhere.
how bloody selfish.
i can't remember the last time i actually enjoyed his company for more than 3 minutes.
can anybody remember ?
and in his bag he's take all the colours that bring beauty to the world.
he's also taken the glowing warmth that surrounds us.

fuckin' hell... it's getting boring down here in the greyness of this morass

this post is roughly related to the last one. yes, i'm sorry for ranting, but i miss waking up with a natural high.

Pantone 428 C

2010-01-19T09:54:00.003+01:00

it's been grey for a certain amount of days now
just plain grey
pantone 428C from 9.00am to about 4.00pm non stop
grey
not even the red cross can do anything about it

and when the sky is grey, it turns everything else to grey
the streets
the walls
the roofs
even the trees
the passers by
their mood
their lives
our lives

monday

2010-01-18T22:44:00.000+01:00

yes, i feel a wee bit like this at the moment

final farewell

2009-12-15T07:24:00.004+01:00

Although the viewing, the closing of the casket, and the creamation were much to the image of this seedy metropolis, the buddhist farewell was much to the image of my grand mother.
Full of symbols, incense, food offerings, and generosity, we helped her soul into the heavens with chants, offerings, the burning of meterial replicas and boxes of fake money, and, more incense sticks.
i wish i could be perhaps a little more poetic, or write more passionately, but i guess the emotion was rally more of a gut feeling than an envelope of sadness...

home 2

2009-12-14T07:37:00.002+01:00

The best thing about jet lag is being able to live a city "inside out"
when the locals sleep, you live
you prowl
you spy
you watch

there's this seedyness about hong-kong that i love
the neon lights
the midnight markets
the deserted ones
the mad minibus drivers

inhale
exhale

the smell of exhaust pipes
the smell of food
the smell of dust
the smell of the thick layer of dirt gripped to the ground by the humidity

this is a safe place
this is home

home

2009-12-13T16:57:00.002+01:00

there's nowhere better than home

going home

2009-12-07T22:50:00.002+01:00

tomorrow i go home to say farewell to her

99

2009-11-26T18:12:00.006+01:00

i will miss you so much
even though we hardly saw each other

i will miss you so much
even though we hardly spoke on the phone

i will miss you so much
even though we hardly spoke the same language

i will miss you so much
even though two generations seperated us

but you taught me so much
and i have learned so much from you
you have influenced me every day of my life,
and you will carry on doing so for the rest of my life.

each time i look forward
each time the road in front of me devides
each time i look up the hill
each time my back is pressed and the only way is forth

it is you that i think of

i know that you left us knowing that i loved you
i know that you carry away my words of love
that i spoke to you when you were in hospital

you are now free to join your daughter

mother
you are not alone

i am now stronger knowing that you will now both being
looking after me.

Clearing up shit

2009-11-23T09:46:00.000+01:00

My virtual friend - The Keeper - posted a tweet about a person who actually "does" things; going around the third world and helping their world be a better place.
The Keeper was bemoaning the fact that in comparison, her Life was both uneventful and void of true meaning.
I would tend to agree and relate to her frustration, as finding both goals and meaning to my life has become a Time consuming hobby veering towards obsession, but i've realised that those like me who want to "do" things, want to "do" many many things. The ideas, ableit completely utopic, are there - Better than being sat on a fat couch scratching one's fat arse - but remain unacheivable.
Some would argue that everything is achievable -Just Do It - but this achievement
Is just work in progress. It Never ends. There's always more to do. More shit to clean up, more problems to solve, more people to please, more mouths to feed, more thirts to quench...
And so my theory is that some lazy bum created this guy called god, and put the shit to clean up on his shoulders, and since then, Man has a clearer concience when he's sitting on his fat arse watching the news or praying for 5 minutes whilst on the shitter
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhonee

relief at 12.57 am

2009-11-22T00:56:00.005+01:00

12.57 am

The obsequious have left.
open window.
it's raining
hard
very subtle breeze
the last glass of champagne
the flicker of the candle flame is the only sign of life around me.
Keith jarett
Klön concert
[ahhhh ! Klön you have given me so much!]
peace at last
yes peace
stillness
the gentle touch of the piano keys
the soft sound that embarks you on a flight into the dark night

1.00 am

oh how i can feel your lips pressed against mine
how i can feel your warm body cast with mine
how i can still smell your soft skin

1.10 am

i could dive so deep into the endless chasm that the night invites to
so appealing, captivating
the endless fall

1.13 am

they have left
they were too loud
too thankfull
too kind
too appreciative and too superficial to apreciate my effort
too diplomatic to engage into any kind of discussion
too old in their heads and minds to give me bait

too full of shit

camomile

i'd so much like to make love to you

now

now

now

1.16 am

The weight

2009-11-17T09:10:00.001+01:00

Bad sleep
Bad awakening
Worries around me
They've seeped into me
Creeping and crawling
Polluting
I can't help it
Can't stop the spreading
Like ink on blotting paper

Spend my time witnessing the sadness and misery of others

Little miseries

Little worries

But everybody has his or her scale

The witness assesses
Weighs

And in reasuring
And in consoling
And in helping
And in sharing

It has all filtered into me

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Losing grip

2009-11-13T09:41:00.001+01:00

Time is moving too quickly for me. Days fly by feeding the ever growing tide of weeks and months. The tempo is accelerating...
We all complain about not having enough Time to do this or to do that.
For me it's a constant. It's like space; the more space you have, the more you need.
It's inside us. The greed. The unconcious tend to über consumming.
The need for more, and more, and more.
There's more music to listen to, more books to read, more places that are easier to get to, more people to meet, more films to watch, more slopes to run down...
We should be happy with what we have already. That is the whole point of Carpe Diem after all.
But it's after.
Later.
When you look back and realise that days, weeks, months have gone by in the Space of a blink, you then realise that despite the daily hyperactivity, you didn't really make the most of the Time you had to fully embrace The Moment.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Listening to Tull

2009-11-10T19:54:00.000+01:00

Watching me watching you watching the train go by

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday

2009-11-06T21:10:00.000+01:00

4 days in London was refreshing. Fullfiled a mini Life long ambition of seeing by the Anish Kapoor show at the RA. Just awesome.
And now back to 14 hour days.

What for ?

I truely realise for the first time that we HAVE to bring meaning to our lives.
It's not enough to build a family, accumulate wealth, have a house and all the bits around it... That's just moving on.
There has to be meaning behind all that.

To acheive so much for the sake of comfort is too feeble an excuse.

To achieve so much just to share it with thé ones you love is not enough.

To achieve so much and to Die is a waste.

I want more.

More coming soon.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Hero Gone

2009-09-16T15:30:00.002+02:00

One word : inspiration

12 hours in Köln

2009-07-17T16:48:00.003+02:00

she needed to escape
we met for a 12 hour bubble in Köln
the rest of the world could have stopped
we wouldn't have cared

naked in the dawn light at the foot of the cathedral
we were alone

escaping

message 2 U

2009-06-24T00:22:00.006+02:00

Tour Montparnasse looking over your favorite part of town
a tower that witnessed the the most stupid side of me
a tower that witnessed many a drink drunk to the likes of lordships and ladyships
drunk drunk drunk
a tower so full...
for ever, now ...
full of symbols
past
not gone
past
past, only,
not gone just past
words so many spoken
so many digested in so many orders
so many tones so many ways of saying so few things

ike the long soliliquy this afternoon about you t
hat i listened to
about us
that i listened to
these words that acted like an arm from the past tearing me back ...

mojito
vodka
beer
... straight back to places i had never forgotten
but meerly turned my back on

year on what has changed ?
on all sides
do we look back sadly
do we turn our backs and laugh
do just move on as nothing happened

do darkened hearts ever see the light
do they ever breathe again
to they ever spark a light that starts a fire
do they ever pump out love instead of sucking it all in
do they ever chose generosity over selfishness it doesn't haunt me i invite you into my thoughts every day
no, not a chore a willing choice

home

2009-06-16T20:44:00.003+02:00

coming back here after 3 weeks feels like returning to a childhood home that's been left unkept, and yet, despite the slow decrepitation, nothing has changed. quiet. still.
home.
my little place
my little world
my little kingdom
comforting

Claire

2009-05-28T10:44:00.001+02:00

you know about my friend Claire
I'm going to see her this week-end
not sure what to expect...

I know i bring them hope
i bring them joy and encouragement
i bring them freindship and love
i bring them the rain to bring reprieve during this long drought...

the best moment of the day

2009-05-28T10:33:00.003+02:00

Dawn
the best moment of the day
the silence
the calm
you could almost feel the sun's gentle warmth
creep over the horizon to bush your skin so gently

synonymous to so many things

the beautiful face that you first see
to the growing shadows that you try to make out despite the alcoholic blur
a renaissance to a flight into darkness
the cold to warmth to heat

there IS a particular taste to it
no matter where you are in the world,
dawn has a taste
there is a slight sweetness to it
it is cool when you inhale
it's coolness brings life to your body

you may not know where you are,
who you're with,
nor what you're doing,
but you damn well know that you're alive
and that you feel good
and even if it just lasts for a moment,
this Breath of Life,
for it is truely a Breath of Life,
carries you though the day

a year on

2009-05-18T20:11:00.004+02:00

a year on, and birthdays seem to go by like clouds in a summer sky.
they just happen
they just become non events
and become a pause in life.
a moment to reflect on the past and a moment to peek through the kaleideoscope of the future.
The past offers some amazing sights, and the multi faced future beckons with brightness.
what is sure, is that i do feel happier than last year. I do feel less confused, and generally in better shape.
So my happy birthday incantations of a year ago have worked.
No candles this time.
Just many many alleys to choose from.

enter II

2009-04-24T14:40:00.003+02:00

so now it is tomorrow
it was a short night
a great night.

funny how lives part all of a sudden one day and get back many years later to instantly find the old complicity.
friendship never breaks...

PS: the picture really has nothing to do with this post apart from the fact that it's written whilst i'm having lunch.
PPS: message to Twinky : the kebab lady says hi !

enter

2009-04-23T19:35:00.005+02:00

event. meeting with a very old friend.
PK
haven't seen her in more than 20 years.

yes

TWENTY FUCKING YEARS

she found me.
happy happy happy me

it's a bit like going on a blind date
but without the pressure of having to succeed in seduction

excited

in most cases, when i meet up with people i haven't seen in a long time, the time i spend feels like we've never left each other.

20.
it's a long time.

she asked me if i was worried this morning
of what i ask myself...

... mmm more feminine psychology that isn't getting into my grey matter

go back in time whilst holding onto the furture
into the dream
into the mirror and back out the snowy crystal ball
the unexpected...

will have to ask her
will have to tell you...

... tomorrow

the GEEK in me

2009-04-08T19:32:00.004+02:00

My iPhone had a heart attack because he was so fucking fat !
Ho Ho Ho
well i'm not laughing as much now
... back to my Ericsson... (we've been through so much Eric & me...) ...
and gone (for the meantime) direct e-mailing, direct facebooking, tweeting anytime, anyplace,
the music that i want right here right now
the webcams that bring me away
the newsfeeds that bring me back
the maps to show me where to go the details that tell me what's around me...
It's a FUCKING DRUG to which i'm gravely addicted to

amazing
and i guess there's no way out apart from a full throttle spiral into the bin

but i like it there,
here,
in it this little haven that is mine,
that i have built
that i build,
that moves on,
with my friends, old and new

can't see it
can't touch it
can't taste it
can't feel it can't smell it
there's nothing virtual about it

but i'm in it thriving, growing, feeding...

Gus the man

2009-03-25T22:08:00.006+01:00

Gustave Flaubert said :" Be regular and ordinary in your life, like a bourgeois, so that you may be violent and original in your work"
I've only read one of his books - perhaps was i too young to understand the emotional complexity, or is it just a male thing - Madame Bovary, and if his words are anything to go by, he must have had ONE shit life.

Mine is no better
true
but like many, i find refuge in work.
work has become my life for the larger part of it.

definately not better.

but i find it fun for the moment.
it's been a long time since i've been so absorbed by work.
it's a good feeling.
gets me up
gets me going
gets me excited
gets my mind going

doesn't get me laid though

i wonder what Flauberts sex life was...

better than mine ?
by the sounds of it,
not really

that's reasuring somewhere...

prickly stuff

2009-03-24T00:13:00.006+01:00

got scratched by a thorn today
didn't draw much blood
but as it is so common with these little incidents,
the scar will remain longer on my side than the incident in my mind
and thus will help me remember the acuteness of the sting

prayer

2009-03-24T00:03:00.006+01:00

being the 101th post,
this could have been a funny one
this could have been a parody of Disney... had i had the talent

but no

This goes out to Claire

Hold on in there
you musn't let go
life is grand
your children are grand
what you have built is grand
what lies before you is grand

all these hands reaching out to catch you
to hold you

can't you see them ?

take any one of them
mine
his
hers
all of them
as many of them as you can

we won't let go of you
we won't

i won't

100

2009-03-19T23:30:00.004+01:00

i can't quite remember when I last posted a message,
but this is the hundreth one.
what to say then...?
that i never did expect write so much ?
this diary that i've held, that's helped me express myself to myself
it's helped me think to myself, helped me figure some things out about myself,
it's helped me drag out the venom that sometimes flows in me,
this diary in which i find refuge because it is MY home
it is MY heart that is unravelled before you
it is MY truth
mine
mine to cherish
to adore
so selfishly mine

and so now, over the past months i realise that i must suffer from a light form Don Juanism
def: a need to seduce

i realise that it's something i cannot avoid.
it's not a macho state
it's most certainly not misogynistic

perhaps from the lack of motherly love
a belated compensation

it's a need
can't help it
just happens

starts with nothing.
a breach in a silence
a smile
a look
a word
hardly an openning
i will take it
like a challenge
no fear

a predetor
spying on it's victim

i've been all the way once
i can do it again

it hurts to go so far
it hurts to suffer
bleeding hearts
cold tears
words with no meaning
spoken wishes that just disolve in thin air
pain, heartache that lingers for so long
regrets
more pain

my imagination seems to drag me so far into the perception that i imagine she could have of me
i thrive from it

confidence

i may have none
i may need more
i surely give a lot away

i still feel the pain
the fear
the solitude

the films that flick through my mind
the ones that seem to come true
those that stay burried deep in my mind that i desperately try to make real
those that i wish i could have rewritten

i have found you
what i want i get
the challenge
it's written

how far will i go

flake

2009-02-09T15:53:00.004+01:00

I wanted a flake
hadn't had a flake in years
needed a flake
the über suggestive advert in my mind and the catchy music (i'm sure it was knicked from Jethro Tull's Passion play),
and all i got was this imitation by Mars

How i miss my Sony Ericksson; my iPhone has such a shit camera !

the morning after

2009-02-06T11:22:00.004+01:00

haven't had a mojito since the heroin[e] days.
it's silly, but when you think about it, but i needed time to cut off.
having said that, like certain songs, certain smells, certain places, that are directly associated to certain people, time capsules and events, after my first sip, i was warped back to the smokey Who's bar, playing "name that tune", and screaming the answers (when i could find them) as loud as possible.
mourning period is well over now.
move on.

religion is satan

2009-02-03T22:47:00.005+01:00

This man's excommunication was lifted a few weeks ago

a man of god ?
a man of love ?
a man of faith ?
blind faith ?
BLIND FUCKING FAITH ?
who beleives in fantasies such as walking on water ? the multiplication of loaves ? of miracle curing ? of resurection ?
and who, despite all the facts, the evidence, the first hand witnesses, uses "FACTS" to support his theories...
love ?
care ?
pity ?
humility ?
trust ?
faith ?
what is faith man of god ?
who are you to give me, Man, lessons about faith ?

TGIF

2009-01-23T09:58:00.003+01:00

the week ends at last
Tash the Bash is up to her ears in Cancer
Kelly's wife tried to take her life for the second time in two weeks on tuesday
Pigronettas father is on the way out.

You know, i have a funny feeling that this year
is not going to be as merry as we would like

little things

2009-01-22T09:04:00.004+01:00

it all lasted a few moments
the colours were nice
shades of blue holding shades of yellow
the reflections were nice
like supernovas in a summer sky
i was listening to 'Lovely day' by Withers
took the picture
thinking that it had to be a lovely day
i took the picture
the lights went out
the song ended
i walked into the tube
thinking how just a few seconds can change your day

and about time too

2009-01-06T16:38:00.003+01:00

... my lazy self can't be bothered to get into the how's and the why's of how thic came to be, so, dear reader, you'll have to do a bit of reading yourself... it'll sans doute be more entertaining and certainly easier to understand than if made the effort...
it's worth the cause, and all true.

“An atheist believes that a hospital should be built instead of a church. An atheist believes that deed must be done instead of a prayer said. An atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death” - Justin Brown

escapism

2009-01-05T23:25:00.004+01:00

as you creep towards the top of the mountain the halo gets brighter and brighter
the time you spent in the shade has frozen you
as you crawl over the top
and the sun smacks your face
a sudden thrust of energy scintilates across your body
go
go
go
forget the world and go

...and a happy new year

2009-01-05T23:08:00.002+01:00

and so another year
and so more resolutions
new hopes
new expectancies...

well fuck it

this year, i will call the continuation of my work in progress

last year's bet with myself was almost a good bet
there weren't too many scars
perhaps a couple of big deep ones
some have healed
some are healing

this year's silly bet took place on new year's eve
if it snowed the year would be a good one

by a good one, i mean a happy one

... it snowed

... see you next year

and we wish you a merry Christmas...

2008-12-25T22:24:00.002+01:00

well, i only got into Xmas mood yesterday, only because i realised that i had to prepare lunch for 15.
the crisis, fucking crisis that everybody is going on about,
this fucking crisis that will become everybody's favorite excuse for failure,
this fucking crisis that makes you feel guilty for spending a fortune on presents
this fucking crisis that will make us poor for some time, and wish we had chosen other jobs,
this fucking crisis that has meant that every ounce of work is taken so seriously
this fucking crisis that has killed off the xmas feeling of mid december,
well, this crisis has pretty much fucked it all up a bit...
it just all feels wrong
no heart
dead
...
kill it,
let it bleed,
wrap it up in cellophane
flog it as soon as possible
and make a killing...

relax

2008-12-17T00:08:00.003+01:00

i need a new pair of eyes
fatigue
all dried up
i feel like a crispness when my lids close
they do feel heavy
they need freshness
like a dive in a pool
the feeling of gliding through water
feeling this smootheness caress my body
this freshness lick my skin
as my arms pearce though these cool layers of liquid
twisting and turning
free
gliding deeper
glide
fly
effortless
the water carries me up

night out

2008-12-03T14:45:00.003+01:00

rue de Rivoli
8.00 am

happy birthday 1

2008-11-25T00:05:00.006+01:00

one year old already
and i look back to all that has happened

1. feelings

all those feelings
all the love
desperate love
all the sadness
and all the happiness
the extreme happiness
the addiction heroin[e]
the addiction
the fears of the secret garden brought to light
the dark comfort of the secret garden
the dreams
non of which have come true
those dreams that have fed my hope
the tears that never came
every morning
those that did
the silly things
silly things,
very silly
the bad things
yes,
bad bad things
childish things [i'm sorry for having been an arsehole at 4.am]
the funny things
the happy things
the most incredible things
runaways
running back
the confusion
the crossroads and crossings

all the more wiser
all the more thoughtful
all the more on the lookout for a wall of attraction to avoid crashing into
all the more happy
all the more apreciative of what life gives me
all the more willing to fill in the empty spaces in life

what i have learnt
i must use

time

2008-11-24T18:59:00.004+01:00

no time to write
no time to think
no time to meditate
no time to listen
no time to explain
no time to play
no time to read
no time to give
no time to take
no time to share
to share
no time to taste
no time to reason
no time to fly
no time to love
no time to look
no time for heart
look into my heart
no time to feel
no time to slow down
no time to count
no time to find a balance
no time to mix
either black or white
no time for sense
no time to live
no time to waste
what a waste
no time to walk
no time to hum
no time to smell
no time to close your eyes
no time to guess where you are

time is what i've got
time is what i miss
time is what i need
time i can't stop
time i should stop

stop

automnal blues

2008-11-18T21:18:00.002+01:00

work
pressure
insomnia
pressure
work
penurious
pressure
cold
damp
night
pressure
work
work

california dreamin'

walkies

2008-11-13T23:52:00.002+01:00

more
midnight
meanderings

hope

2008-11-11T22:38:00.001+01:00

a crystal path
leading
to a clearing
that you can never reach
all quiet
you can see it
you get closer
you can't touch

but further back
you can see me
me,
in the clearing
me,
in the light

but can i give you hope?

just to relax

2008-11-11T22:37:00.001+01:00

I don't care what people say,
but after a
long day
that caps off
a longer week
ther's nothing more
relaxing
than a cruise
across Paris
in the middle of the night

I don't care what people say,
but Paris
IS
the most
beautiful
city
in the world

little chiefs

2008-11-03T19:41:00.003+01:00

In February, my addiction lost her job.
I fought hard, lobbied hard, argued hard, for her to keep it, but those who could have influenced a sway in the decision making didn't bother as they held on to their little bit of power. Little chiefs of their own twirly world, they evidently thought that she would gobble them up and that they would end up on the banks of the river Dole.

And now, 8 months later, these same little chiefs have been pushed off their little pedestals into the river.

Little chiefs never win.

morning

2008-10-27T09:47:00.002+01:00

i woke up this morning with a weight on my shoulders.
unbearable
had a dream
strange dream
starring all the people i haven't managed to find time for
woke with the feeling of regret
cried in my dream
a dream in which i was justifying myself for having been so selfish
but i'm not
and i didn't seem credible
i know
i feel my eyes are loaded with tears
i know i'm not at fault
i know i should make time
i know i haven't got much to give
and that all i have left i give

crucified
caught in a crossing

it hurts in the morning
when you try to heal your stigmatas
it hurts when you realise that you can't drag what's left of you out of the dream
it hurts
not being able to disapear
it hurts that this desire to vanish is still lingering

plop
gone

what could have been...

2008-10-11T23:47:00.003+02:00

Lavender's blue, dilly dilly, lavender's green,

When I am king, dilly, dilly, you shall be queen.

Who told you so, dilly, dilly, who told you so?

'Twas my own heart, dilly, dilly, that told me so.

Call up your men, dilly, dilly, set them to work

Some with a rake, dilly, dilly, some with a fork.

Some to make hay, dilly, dilly, some to thresh corn.

While you and I, dilly, dilly, keep ourselves warm.

Lavender's green, dilly, dilly, Lavender's blue,

If you love me, dilly, dilly, I will love you.

Let the birds sing, dilly, dilly, And the lambs play;

We shall be safe, dilly, dilly, Out of harm's way.

I love to dance, dilly, dilly, I love to sing;

When I am queen, dilly, dilly, You'll be my king.

Who told me so, dilly, dilly, Who told me so?

I told myself, dilly, dilly, I told me so.

Just thought i'd let you know...

2008-09-29T15:59:00.003+02:00

... oral sex is what i love the most...
both ways...

L O V E - H A T E

2008-09-26T10:58:00.003+02:00

Yes, I do have a big problem with the french (who do not deserve a capital F).
Yes, I do have a problem with being french.
But i do love France;
the country, the land, and all it has to offer.
The countryside, the mountains, the forests, the wine, the food,
the diversity of everything...
My problem goes far,
deep,
and one day,
i may really go into it and share it with you.
In a nutshell, for now, the ad above just about sums it all.

celebrate !

2008-09-24T17:39:00.003+02:00

Dear reader,
i am truely,
truely
happy
and
incredibly thrilled
to announce
that
visitors from 10
[yes TEN]
different countries
have visited
my MESS.
And to think that
i always thought
that
i was
alone.

Let's have a Polo and celebrate !

Thank you

geek'n it out

2008-09-24T16:56:00.006+02:00

Fact : i am not a reader
Fact : when i read,it takes me ages to finish a book
Fact : when i like a book, i will read it in record time (days)
Fact : a part from the LITTLE PRINCE, i have never read a book twice
Fact : i am not a geek. i hope that i am anything but a geek
Fact : i was given this book (well, actually the one above), a geek book, and yes i must admit it is changing my life. I have always admired those who could lead a life in total simplicity and common sense. This book, although completely applied to web design, can freely be adapted to life in general... It's a bit like the APPLE Think Tank meets Micheal Moore and quotes The Godfather and Talking Heads.
Fact : life is simple in theory
Fact : real life is not that simple

Tour du monde

2008-09-18T17:46:00.002+02:00

quite bored, which is always the case after a sudden rush of work.
so instead of mugging old ladies in the streets, i opted for a round the world trip of the blogosphere, in Blogger.com land... my humble host... hence the photo
there is, i must admit a certain number (and it's a big number) of really crappy, useless, ugly, boring blogs out there... sellers of home made bits of clothing from some easter bloc country, beautiful ugly young couples on their honeymoon, women in scarves, writing most undoubtedly behind the backs or their husbands/mullahs, young parents showing off their offspring.
the ordinary life of the world.
puslsating for ONE
Having said that, mine is probrably most excruciatingly boring to the vast majority of visitors, but, like the vast majority of online closet exhibitionists, it is my choice to share bits of myself.
my intimity
is
yours

and like a toilet, my blog, your blog, their blogs,
blogs
are places of solitary relief

yes, they rock

2008-09-16T09:38:00.003+02:00

Ok, another rant about how great Italy is...
but musically, one can't say that Italy is renowned for it's classic rock...
Arf ! i hear you Zucchero / Pooh / Eros Ramazzotti fans...

bloody hell ! "rock" stars named 'sugar' / shit / Eros... need i say more ?
when has a nation drifted so unashemdly into embarassment ?

but hang on !

there is redemption !

amazing it is, may i add...

better, louder, more addictive to it's shitty french/english pop counterparts

put your volume to MAX here !

Italia ! welcome to rock'n'roll !

extremes

2008-09-11T15:01:00.011+02:00

I'm not sure how to begin...
So many things are going through my mind.

The begining : the LHC ... just scientific blabber to begin with.

Then the pictures. A magnificent and incredible acheivement... Seeing them opened the gates of science fiction for the real world to enter.

Then the rumours and worries.
was the end nigh ? the chaotic question of "what if" begins to apear in various forms what if the heat rises too fast ? what if it gets too cold ? what if there crack in the circuit ? what if there was a basic miscalculation, so obvious that even the greatest brains missed it ? what if there is a freak earthquake ? what if a fly somehow manages to find its way into the shaft and either diverts the rays, or is turned into some 200ft monster ?

... And i must admit that on the day, i flipped and tuned in to the live coverage of The Guardian just to make sure that the world was still there.

And finally the questions : what is all of this for ? Is it a waste of money ? who will benefit from these findings ? what bloody findings ? why can't we just leave nature alone for once ? does anybody really care anyway ?

Then the answers :
Thank you Dr. Krauss for an proper explanation on the why's
Thank you The Guardian for the proper [ i can honestly admit i understood two thirds of it] for the explanation on the how's

And now the after thoughts.
Isn't it just awesome, when you realise how long it has taken to conceive, build, organise this project, that it is used to manipulate "objects" that are so small - that one can only begin to imagin the term of infinaletly small - to make dicoveries, that give answers to all the questionning of the infinately big.

Yes i am in awe.
In awe in front the numbers, the different scales, and how they are so closley related to each other. In awe because of the technological acheivements to build the installations. In awe because perhaps, just perhaps, there will be the begining of a confirmation that there are no gods around us.

Just in case, if you have any doubts, you can watch god at work here.

religion

2008-09-09T11:07:00.002+02:00

Fact : i am an atheist
Fact : religion has influenced art, and therfore society for centuries
Fact : we can't live without religion

warning

2008-09-08T16:11:00.003+02:00

It's that time of year.
MY phobia, and apparently nobody elses...
why nobody elses ? how should i know.
But the fact that nobody lives in the fear of falling ninja conkers, reflects the fact that too many people live in ignorance.
So beware dear reader of these sly missiles from nature. I doubt that they would kill you, but a fat one falling from high onto your head wourld surely cause lots of pain and probrably damage. Having sait that, a conckker falling on a young childs head could be fatal. I wonder if anybody has conducted any tests on this subject...
You have been warned.

Palio

2008-09-04T15:14:00.003+02:00

It' part of the "things to do before one dies" list.
Assist the great palio race in Siena.
It's mythical and certainly lives up to one's expectations.
Although it was only the trial race the day before, the atmosphere was amazing and electric.
It grips you immediately by the guts.
Chants, shouts, roars, cries, tears.
You live the race.
Taken into this whirlwind you accept to be taken by the crowd and float amongst the thousands of followers that have lived and given life to this ritual every year for the past 700 years.

Best drink of the day

2008-09-04T15:10:00.003+02:00

There used to be this great advert in England that said : "Tea, the best drink of the day"
I quite agree, but on the other hand, on a hot summer night, after a long day of doing things of no particular interest, as you sit alone on a candle lit terrace watching shooting stars and listening to the singing crickets, drinking a chilled coke out of it's bottle beats a mug of tea anytime, anywhere.

here we go again

2008-09-03T17:26:00.004+02:00

looking at life through shades of green
and shades of blue
letting yourself be taken by time
and not wonder,
not worry
about what is coming about
just let the cool breeze comfort you

one becomes a saint in a Raphael fresco
one awaits the singing of angels as they descend from the heavens
to eclipse the sun and announce the deliverance of one's soul
one awaits
wait
wait

you can do that in Tuscany,
wait,
and it is a pleasure to wait, as you drift away,
letting go of the hand that holds you to the present,
over the hills,
through the dense hot air,
across the dry arid plains,
drifting quielty,
calmly,
you can sense it,
you can taste it,
you can feel it,
you are overwhealmed by it,
this heat,
this dusty heat,
the smell of rosmary rising from the ground,
the sound of galoping horses,
this beauty,
everywhere
the history,
the power and the glory,
the blood,
the violence,
the betrayals,
the whispers,
the myths,
the beliefs...

nothing matters any more

cycles

2008-08-08T15:10:00.003+02:00

that funny part of year when everybody buggers off on holiday.
everything is so calm in the big city
it feels so good.

but this year is no different dear reader.
the holiday season begins tonight.
it wasn't quite what i had planned a few months ago, [somewhere over the rainbow with super heroin(e)], but it'll do for the moment.

... a 3 week moment may seem long from now... but with enough wine, a moment is never long enough...

rant

2008-08-05T16:46:00.003+02:00

The logo of La Poste has become synonymous to total incompetence. The problem, is that this kind of public service has become a breeding ground to laziness, boredem, and professional ineffincency.
A public service is by definition an action for somebody, and in this case the somebody is [It seems quite clearly stated] the public; and yet this service does everything for the public to avoid it.
How can that be ? I mean the post used to be the best link between people, the postman, your friendly daily smile, the stamp a square inch universe that united millions of passionate geeky philatelists from around the world... and now, in front of you, from across the counter, you look into a pair of blurry eyes who tell you, even before you even open your mouth, to fuck off.
Just for the personal note, i spent 30 minutes at the post office this morning for a 2 minute transaction that cost me 3,37 euros. I was very lucky in fact, because if it hadn't been for no less than 5 bored and angry customers, who apparently had better things to do than wait in line for a fucking stamp, i'd still be there...
During the wait, i asked to see the manager who never came out of his hole.
But then who would want to confront 25 people waiting in front of 3 desks.

Nuff said for now... the man below says it all better than me...

bed

2008-08-01T15:06:00.002+02:00

When i was a kid i dreamt i had a bed that went around the world,
and that it was always cosy,
no matter where
no matter when
... home

True afgan

2008-07-29T12:19:00.004+02:00

The expression "True Afgan" comes from my buddy Harri P.
It just means authentic.
A True Afgan something means it's the real thing.
this is the True Afgan version of this song that i've been playing endlessly for the past week...

Découvrez Bobby "Blue" Bland!

two fingers to say it all

2008-07-28T17:56:00.005+02:00

no famous last words from this beetle,
just an act that says it all

italia amore mio

2008-07-28T11:22:00.003+02:00

The more i go to Italy, the more infatuated i become with this country. I used to have a love/hate relationship with the boot, but now i feel an incredible passion for it.
Italy is the perfect lover.
The more i see her, the more she unveils her secrets... little by little just to seduce my curiosity into another dark room to be lit up on a later date.
The italians, when they talk of the big headed french say that France is just like Italy... without it's class... how true. Class and refinement come from simplicity. The food is so devinely obvious, the Mona Lisa's smile is so subltle, Michelangelo's creation of Man says so much in such little space [when you break the event down to the few square cm that occupy the two fingers]...
I could live there.
If i did, i would become king of the Pigrone.

Goths and similar beings

2008-07-24T10:06:00.008+02:00

yes, it's the second time i post this image... i'll get aother one asap... promise
I really think Goths and similar beings who dye their hair in matt black, paint their fingernails black, wear thick black eyeliner and lipstick are as close to being synonymous to ridiculous as anything ever will be...
i mean it's fucking 30° in the shade and these pseudo vampires meander the streets looking so sorry for themselves, regretting their whole attire,
bitting
the
last
microns
of
their
black
fingernails

probrably
humming
this song

the best song in the world

2008-07-17T02:11:00.006+02:00

it's 2 am and there are about two bottles of wine in me, but that doesn't matter much. what is important is listening to the greatest sounds written and lying back to let you mind go off to feel good. to think of those you love of the funny monents of the day , of the week , of the month - fuck it man- the good times of your lifetime... it warms you up. smile, it's the middle of the night, you love the night, you love your music...
it all depends on the time, the place, the mood... right her, right now, it's this

Découvrez Lynyrd Skynyrd!

old friends part 3

2008-07-11T09:50:00.004+02:00

© Nicol Andrea
So, out of the blue a facebook message pings me.
... Nicol...
we began taking pictures together many moons ago in London...
she carried on when i left off, and has produced some beautiful work
Check it out here

older friends

2008-07-04T01:01:00.003+02:00

and to answer my prvious post, three was not a crowd...
and to reply to my dearest Marilyn M,
i love drugs, and for sure, drugs love me

old friends

2008-07-04T00:49:00.004+02:00

i hadn't seen kelly in such a long time... 5/6/7 years ?
it's good to see old friends.
nothing has changed
still the arrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhh syndrome
carpe diem eat your heart out...

it's all "no muff too tuff , we dive at five " attitude...

...the strangest thing was meeting Charlie in the toilets after 20 years

... two old friends in the same...

mmm would three have bee a crowd ?

velvet

2008-06-22T00:32:00.005+02:00

there is something definately very sexual about macro photography...
i love to sense curves, to feel my way around a body, to glide and hover above the surface, barely touching it, and yet running close enough to feel the slightest of shudders.
everything feels so smooth. the glide, the body, the surface, the lips, the skin.

velvet

the delicate flirt between my eye and the object is like my hand sliding blindly across a body to feel every change in reaction in the sole quest of pleasure.
when you glide across your subject, you shink to the size of an insect and discover the micro world. you ride the helter skelter with such speed, and yet so smoothly everything becomes as comfortably vertiginous as the confusion and dizziness of an intense ejaculation.

pleasure for the eye
pleasure for the palet
pleasure for the mind

it doesn't compensate for the lack of sex, but it can get quite close.